All I wanted was to runaway
Go somewhere
I would be safe
Thinking of my apartment
I saw all my possessions
Wondered if I never came back
what were the things
I couldn’t live without?
I stared at my belongings for hours
Maybe for days
Trying to understand what mattered
Trying to evaluate
What baggage was unnecessary
I stared at my hands
Wondering if I had the strength to pick?
I started to move quickly
Decisively and with precision
Until all I packed were
My electronics and my journals.

I wanted to runaway
Without leaving myself behind
my words, my pain, my story
My ball and chain
That drags behind me
That pushes me to attain the unlikely
and keeps me tethered to the ground.

I wanted to runaway
And I didn’t have anywhere to go.

I wanted to drive until
there was no more road
I wanted to get on a train until
The track ran out
I wanted to walk until
my legs couldn’t carry me further
I wanted to ride on a boat until
It kissed the horizon

I wanted to collide with life
I wanted to relish every sensation
Be passionately loved
Feel every fiber in my body
Cry out in pleasure
Tingle from overstimulation

I thought I wanted to runaway
But really
All I wanted
Was a reason to stay.

-Vanessa Hernandez